Sunday, May 20, 2001

First of all reading through my past entries; I must apologize for some of my gramatical and spelling errors. The way I look at it this is an emotional release not a semester paper so I will not be correcting all of my mistakes. This in no way means that I am uneducated just lazy. Plus huked on fonics wurked 4 me. (That really is the way I learned to read, I was part of an experimental GATE class in the 1st grade. Thank God I am not as bad as some of the other students must have turned out. Afterall, there must be some basis for the joke.)
I am sluffing the last half of church today. I hadn't planned on it but after getting stared down in Sunday School I decided I had had enough congregating for one Sunday. Let me explain what happened. As I have stated before I am divorced. No longer a big deal to me, but still a great novelty to the many newlywed couples in my parent's ward. I have no clue what is being said about me behind my back for all I know they could be thinking I am divorced because I had some wild and steamy affair with an ex-con. Anyway, I have no idea but I do know that things are being said because as I was sitting in class alone 2 couples off to my left were deep in conversation. One the more rightous than thou girls sat and stared at me. You know the feeling when you know someone is looking at you and you really aren't into it? However, I let her get an eyeful of what a divorced woman looks like, I hope she wasn't expecting ravinous fangs and snakes for hair ( I am still waiting on mine to sprout and I keep my fangs filed down). So finally after what seemed to be over 3 minutes I turned and looked at her. She did the famous head flip and became extreamly interested in the chair in front of her. ( You know how you do that overcompesation like when you are checking someone out and they catch you, it was like that.) It pissed me off.
I can't for the life of me figure out how mormons have developed this attitude. What attitude is this you ask, hold on and I will tell you.
Within Utah there are some very distinct ways you are to carry on life and some of them are absolutly rediculous in my mind but all the same very accepted and promoted. For example, as a general rule Mormons get married very young, the reasoning behind this I believe is because they are horney and premarital sex is considered one of the two most major sins. Anyway they settle down and for the most part seem happy in doing so afterall our divorce rate is considerable less than the rest of the nations ( 33% as compared to 54% But then maybe some stay in icky marriages out of fear of lack of support who knows?) Once married it is expected that you should buy a house and stay there while you give birth to at least 2 children while supporting your husband though college, (sometimes if you're lucky the women will struggle through at the same time)
I am going to have to continue this tonight I have to go and get my mom from church.

Sunday, May 06, 2001

I am finally starting to feel at home, rather than being a guest in my parent's home. The first couple of days I was begining to think that this move was just another item I could put on my mess-up list. However, I am settling in quite nicely.
Sunday always has a certain mood about it around here. Growing up we were always taught to hold the day in reverance. You always attended church (Mormon church is three hours long, I skipped the second hour, and I am glad I did because Joseph called and I was able to talk to him for about 2.5 seconds. By the way Amanda, I did the stupid "you too" thing. I was headed out the door for church and he was on duty, he says, "have a nice time at church." I say, "you too." DU! if you do get to go to church someday, that's all I am trying to say!) Anyway, sorry about the tangent that only the select few will really understand. Back to my Sunday reflections. We were not allowed to watch TV, we had to keep our Sunday clothes on through dinner and we were encouraged to do service or spiritual oriented things. There is definatly a reason the Lord has commanded us to keep the Sabath day holy not only to let us rest physically but the spirityally recharge us for the upcoming week.
I started my priesthood guidance sessions today. I think there will be many more to come, but, I supose this is what needs to happen. In a way I am ready to give in, but on the other hand I feel like I am losing the fight and that maybe this isn't what I really want. It is very difficult to figure out and no matter what I choose I will be gaining in some aspects and losing in others. I just keep hoping that the Lord will intervene like He has done in the past. He knows what I want, I have told him repeatedly. Oh well, it is like mom always says, you don't always get what you want but sometimes when you're lucky you get what you need. President Moss was very kind and that helped.
I finally broke down and told mom why I have been so sad the past week and man it felt so good to talk about my feelings. I am not sure she understood exactly what it was that I was trying to relay but she listened and it helped. Okay, so I am not ready to tell the world why it is that I am so sad, but hey, recognizing that I actually feel something is a start. Now if I could just muster up the guts to tell the one person it involoves, we would start making some tracks. But for right now I will remain comfortably numb and completely in control. I kind of enjoy the safety I have in my solitude.
It was very hard sitting in church watching all of the little couples and families trail into church. This is a feeling that I must overcome, my turn will come. As I was sitting in Relief Society a girl I went to High School came in with a brand new baby. WE ARE NOT OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE BABIES! It felt kind of nuts.
Ian is sitting here pumping iron in front of me. He is taking on the mission of getting me in shape. I am excited but hope he won't be to hard on me. The goal is to be able to bounce quarters off my ass by the end of summer. Wish me luck.
For now I am tired and must be up early to go to a job interview in Bountiful, the position is for a Loan Processor. I am not sure this is what I want to do but we'll know more after tomorrow.
Hi to all of my friends! Love ya!

Thursday, May 03, 2001

First and formost, thanks to my good friend Amanda for setting me up on this fine website. This is really fabulous! I am hoping that some of my other friends will set up bloggers for themselves and we can all keep up on each others lives. Not that I am opposed to phone calls or snail mail, but face it, this is cheap and easy.
As you know, I made the awsome move from Atlanta to Layton (A bedroom community to Salt Lake City, military and farming town, isn't that a wonderful combination?) this past week. I must say this move has been the most tiring of the three I have made this year. I know, isn't it pathetic that I have moved that many times in the past 10 months? It is like Todd (a friend of a friend)said to me, "Girl, you need to light." I am hoping I will just burst into flames here in good old Layton. Not that Layton is my dream desination but there are some very inviting things about it: family, friends, the economy is teriffic right now so I should be able to find a job fairly quickly, and I will finally be able to finish school.
I just got thinking about it and I should maybe identify myself a bit incase we have some first timers on here. My name is Brooke Dennis and I am 21 years old. For the past six months I have been living in Atlanta working two jobs and turning into a stressed out workaholic. Before that I lived in New Orleans. For the first two years I lived with my extreamly ambitious and brilliant (almost to the criminal point) husband. Upon finding out he was "dealing with some homosexual tendencies" I left. I don't think I need to explain that anymore. I lived alone in New Orleans for another 6 months and I was happy but going through a very phyco time in my life. I had started school again (something my homohubbie was against me doing) I was making some new friends and I loved my job. Why I left I'll never be able to figure out. The only thing I can think of is that I was running from past mermories and looking for happiness in all the wrong places. Don't get me wrong Atlanta was a wonderful experience in its self, I learned a ton at work, made some life long friends, and learned a lot about myself in my alone time. I only fear I have burned some bridges in New Orleans, some I wish I could repair.
Well, I must go for now someone needs to use the phone.

Tuesday, May 01, 2001

testing ...